If you’ve ever tried to move on from someone or have been a bit distant with them but they suddenly start being sweet again, calling, or acting like there was never an issue between you two … you might have experienced hoovering.
The name actually comes from the vacuum cleaner brand Hoover because the person is trying to ‘suck you back’ into the relationship.
Let’s talk about what that really means.
What Is Hoovering?
According to Google ‘Hoovering is an emotionally abusive technique used by many narcissists to attempt to reengage with a past partner and draw them back into a relationship’.
Hoovering happens when someone you broke up with (or you’re keeping your distance from) suddenly tries to pull you back into their life.
This usually happens after you’ve started moving on, setting boundaries or making clear you won’t accept certain behaviours anymore.
They may suddenly:
- Send emotional messages
- Say they miss you
- Be more affectionate
- Promise they will change
- Act like the perfect partner and pamper you
- Create some drama so that you feel sorry for them (eg. they suffer from something or someone mistreated them)
At first, it can feel flattering. But many times, it’s not about love, it’s about control and their fear isn’t that they are losing someone valuable but that they don’t like losing in general.
Common Hoovering Tactics
People who hoover often use similar tricks.
1. The “I Miss You” Message
Out of nowhere you receive a text like:
“Hey… I was just thinking about you. I really miss talking to you.” Or after a long ‘cold’ period they want to cuddle you because they have missed you.
It sounds sweet, but it can reopen old feelings.
2. The Apology Tour
Suddenly they admit everything:
- “I know I hurt you.”
- “I’ve changed.”
- “I realize what I lost.”
- “Can’t we leave everything behind?”
Sometimes the apology is real. But it can just be a way to get you back and nothing has changed – no regrets, no efforts.
3. The Emergency
They create a crisis so you feel responsible for helping them.
Examples:
- “I’m really struggling and I need you.”
- “I don’t know if I can get over what has happened to me.”
This pulls on your empathy.
4. The Jealousy Trick
They mention someone new, post things online to make you jealous or take better care of their appearance.
The goal? To make you react and reconnect.
Why Do People Hoover?
Hoovering often happens because that person:
- Doesn’t like losing control
- Feels lonely
- Misses the attention
- Wants validation
- Is afraid of being replaced
- Wants you to be their property
It’s not always done consciously, but it usually isn’t about building a healthy relationship.
How Hoovering Can Affect You
When someone hoovers, it can:
- Reopen emotional wounds
- Confuse your feelings as the abuser becomes the victim
- Make you doubt your decision to leave and feel guilty
- Pull you back into an unhealthy circle
Many people go through breakup → hoovering → getting back together → same problems again.
And this can be very soul-destroying for you and hold you back in other areas of your life as well
How to Protect Yourself
If you think someone is hoovering you, here are a few things that can help:
Pause before responding.
You don’t have to reply right away. You don’t have to ignore everything that has hurt you. You can express how their actions have made you feel.
Remember why the relationship ended/paused
Write down the reasons if you need to. Free writing will help you analyze your thoughts and see the reality. This is also going to prepare you to front them and their claims.
Keep your boundaries strong
It’s okay to say no. That someone tries to persuade you that you’re exaggerating, it doesn’t mean they’re right.
Limit contact if needed
Sometimes distance is the healthiest choice. Even if you live under the same roof, try not to give in to their approaching tricks.
Final Thought
Hoovering can feel confusing because it mixes sweet words with old memories.
But remember:
Someone truly ready for a healthy relationship shows consistent change over time, not just emotional messages when they feel like they’re losing you.
Your peace, your healing, and your happiness always come first. You need to have proof that your feelings and needs aren’t neglected.